Friday, June 1, 2012

Chica has a day off

My mom was kind enough to order massages off Groupon way back in January. Not being very good at planning, we had waited right until my spring break to call for appointments. Of course massage parlors are popular and require booking two weeks in advance, of course! Since getting three busy women with temperamental schedules to coordinate a day all three have off to allow for a girls' night with massages, dinner, and drinks is like trying to herd cats, we had to agree to get the massage at our own convenience.

Today I not only had the Groupon massage, but also a coupon for a hair salon worth $50. The massage was awesome, but the salon stylist was out sick, so my day out was cut short. Needing to stay in town a bit longer to have some better semblance of a mini-vacation, I opted to go to the movies. I still had the movie pass from my brothers given to me back in December, so it would only cost me the amount of snacks and a drink. So after an awesome fish burrito at Tacos del Mar, I went to look at the theater listings to see what was out.

The movie I actually wanted to pay to see, The Avengers, wouldn't be on for about an hour and a half, so I thought it wouldn't hurt to sit in on Snow White and the Huntsman. I like fairy tales, but had no desire to pay for a movie with Kristen Stewart in a starring role. Boy was I glad I didn't pay money to see Snow White. I had low expectations to begin with, and Kristen Stewart did not deliver in the slightest. I really don't understand why anyone would think she is hot. She's skinny as a twig, has really bad teeth, and most of the time she has a really blank open-mouthed expression on her face. Chris Hemsworth is awesome, though I think part of me will always love him best as Thor, so he earned the movie more points. Charlize Theron is incredible as the wicked queen, so that balanced things out a bit.

By contrast, I loved the Avengers, and would actually pay to see it again. The cast is brilliant, although I'm positive there were a lot of subtleties I missed out on by not being an avid comic book geek.

The rest of this blog will be MST3K-style thoughts on each movie, so skip the rest of this entry if you don't want to read any spoilers.

Traditional opening, so far so good. The fact that the king marries some chick he finds on a battlefield after warring with freaky phantom soldiers within a DAY should have tipped some people off that crazy shit be going down. Especially when apparently it hasn't been that long since the last queen died!

The way the witch kills the king is rather bad ass, plus we get a hint that there is more to this evil queen than just being a bitch. The mirror is freaky cool, I love this interpretation!

Skipping forward about a decade...why the crap is there Christianity in this fairy tale? That is going to send all sorts of weird messages about the paganism that will likely be going down. Ripping out hearts/souls is totally going to be a theme in this movie.

Why the hell is the princess allowed to wear leather pants under her dress, when she has been locked in the tower as a prisoner for the last ten years? Then again, why is she allowed properly fitting clothes at all? Apparently the queen, who bathes in milk, thinks the worst punishment to give a prisoner is not allowing them to shower?

From the gratuitous amounts of "coincidental" help from animals, the director has obviously made Snow White a Dungeons & Dragons-type druid. That is also the only reason I can think of for the princess to be suddenly capable of riding a horse, with no saddle, after being imprisoned in a tower for over ten years.

The "dark forest" is nicely done, because inhaling swamp gases should always make you hallucinate.
Although why the queen's powers don't work in there is something I would love to know. I mean, if you have the ability to suck the youth out of people, shouldn't there be a clearer explanation for why your magic won't work in the face of hallucinogenic drugs?

I am liking the huntsman character. He is clearly broken, and has a nice sarcastic attitude. The reason the huntsman gets involved at all is a nice element, it would be logical to conclude that the wicked queen has the ability to bring people back from the dead. The queen's brother, though, is clearly a moron, and I'm starting to suspect a weirdly incestuous thing going on with them, as they are way too touchy-feely. Who admits the betrayal before the deal is completed? I mean, really, could you be more stupid?

Now we see Snow White's childhood friend, a duke's son, act like a bad ass outlaw. Because making things explode in flames makes anything automatically more awesome. I smell a love triangle coming on! Although it was obvious he would be showing up again after the violent way they were torn apart earlier when they were kids.

And back to Snow White and Huntsman, there is very badly done sexual innuendo jokes. Also, why does everyone in this movie feel the need to be in each other's personal space talking intently to show they are serious? AWESOME TROLL. So either Snow White has incredible mind trick powers, or trolls are easily bored by Kristen Stewart's lack of acting skills. Either way, I feel jilted.

They have found a lake! With women who wear robes like desert dwellers, but are living in a mountain forest climate...At first I though we were getting awesome Amazon ladies, but instead they just cut their faces to avoid the queen's wrath. They still look beautiful, however, so is everyone in this kingdom really shallow? SEXUAL TENSION MOMENT WITH DUKEY BOY.

IT HAS TAKEN OVER AN HOUR OF THIS TWO HOUR MOVIE TO FINALLY MEET THE DWARVES! They are awesome, because they beat up Snow White and the Huntsman with sticks. The fairy sanctuary is really cool. Now Snow White has magical healing powers just by existing? Apparently fairies can live inside birds. They look a lot like Dobby from the Harry Potter movies. And clearly the audience needs to be reminded that Snow White is important because she will heal the land and drive away the darkness by having a long unnecessary scene with the white hart god of the forest and a bunch of fairies and animals on a pond, WITH A TREE. I do think the antlers as tree branches is somewhat overkill, but I'm biased after watching Princess Mononoke. Does no one employed by the queen ever think to be subtle? Firing a single shot into a crowd when you are TRYING to kill a specific person is the easiest way to provide a bunch of sudden cover from all the scattering people. Also, I am incredibly disappointed in the dwarf's death. Crying "Arrow!" and then being shot by one is a stupid way to go. The queen's brother is apparently intimately linked to the queen due to the weird death scene, once more proving my theory of incestuous shenanigans. The flashback is interesting, and really helps the queen's character to not just be, "because she's an evil bitch."

Everyone is emo and sad. Dukey boy's attempts to impress Snow White with his emoness and vows he would have come for her had he known she was still alive have blanked my mind for a bit. I perk up again at the wicked queen turning into ravens, because that is never going to be not cool.

Suddenly it's winter? Emo Dukey boy is emo, and blah blah blah sexual tension blah.. Poison apple has finally appeared! My brain broke here for a bit, as it is incredibly obvious Snow White and HER STEP-MOTHER TOTALLY JUST MADE OUT. Which must be why the wicked queen is suddenly monologuing and revealing the key to destroying her powers. Apparently, like every other villain she did not take time to read the Evil Overlord's Guidebook. Just like in the original story, though, the kiss isn't what wakes up Snow White. I feel bad for her though, as the first shower in over ten years had to happen while she was dead.

Huntsman's monologue in this next scene was okay up until the kiss. Because think about it: talking to Snow White's dead body, "you remind me of my dead wife, and you're kinda awesome so --" smooch! THE REST OF THE DAMN TIME HE ACTED LIKE A MENTOR/BIG BROTHER, THIS SUDDEN ROMANTIC INTEREST IS WEIRD. ALSO WTF THAT HIS KISS WORKED BUT THE EMO DUKEY BOY CLEARLY IN LOVE WITH HER SINCE CHILDHOOD DIDN'T? I AM CONFUSED!

Snow White is awake, and now it's Joan of Arc time! Although why are they letting a girl who has no military experience and has only been outside of a tower for a few days after over ten years of imprisonment make all the key tactical decisions? Charging up the beach to storm the castle's ONLY DOOR is not good strategy! The dwarves succeed at being sneaky because they are comedy-relief elements. I can't believe walking behind a horse worked for deceiving the henchmen *facepalm*.

Okay, the queen's shard monsters are cool, I want some for my desk. Snow White clearly didn't read D&D rules that require druids to never wear metal armor or they will lose their powers. Although whose brilliant idea was it to let her use a sword anyway? Up until this point in the movie, she could barely use a knife! Queen makes a dramatic speech while her skin is clearly burning from the FIRE SHE'S STANDING IN, BECAUSE THAT MAKES IT MORE DRAMATIC. Queen, you just lost bad ass points for that "oh well, shit" look from being stabbed with a pocket knife. Why is this death scene taking over ten minutes? I know Snow White is supposed to be this goody goody, compassionate persona and all, but crying at the horrible woman who killed so many people in nasty ways, INCLUDING YOUR FATHER, doesn't really strike me as anything but over the top. PLUS, WHY IS THIS DEATH SCENE STILL HAPPENING, BE DEAD ALREADY.

The coronation is confusing, because there is still unresolved conflict with Dukey boy, the Huntsman, and Queen Snow White. Because for a Christian queen in medieval times to remain unmarried was rare, and to not produce heirs of some sort is even more frowned upon than remaining unwed. I can feel all the fangirls crying foul in three, two, one...END CREDITS. If Hollywood doesn't make a sequel eventually, I'll eat my favorite pie in celebration.

Opening shots are standard setup for a military drama sequence.


Hand guns do not win against moving military vehicles, flying aircraft, or armored alien things. I'm sorry, but that's the truth, even if you're Samuel L. #*!@^#% Jackson.

I'm really happy Black Widow is getting some screen time to be an effective warrior.

Awesome heroes are awesome. I don't think anyone will ever top Robert Downey, Jr.'s performance of Tony Stark.

Why are all the S.H.I.E.L.D. women officers wearing high heels?

Hehe, they're all fighting like stupid boys over a broken action figure. Get it? Because they are still stupid boys, but with costumes! Hurhur. Obviously they should have suspected something was up when Loki didn't run away while Thor and Iron Man were fighting.

Loki, you are clearly a diva.Thor, you are his matching dramatic drag queen.

Doctor Banner is the one I feel most sorry for. He didn't want to be a hero, and is otherwise an incredibly gentle soul who's always getting shat on because of his condition. Mark Ruffalo is so impressive in this role. Steve Rogers is the only one out of all of them who knows what it's like being a soldier, I'm not surprised he's taken charge of this group of misfits.


Hehe, Black Widow is awesome. "Cognitive retraining" xD

So if Dr. Banner is always angry, how does his Hulk persona get activated? Also, how is he suddenly capable of more intelligent thought than "Hulk, SMASH"? Seriously, this whole alien fight scene I'm wondering how much Dr. Banner is controlling himself. Because one moment he's fighting aliens, then backhanding Thor, then is obviously able to determine Tony Stark needs help and catches him out of a serious fall. I did really enjoy how he beat up Loki, though. Dude clearly needed such a bitchslap.

I am totally paying to see this film again. But first I will go home and enjoy sushi.