Saturday, October 6, 2012

Just some venting

This story occurs one week ago:
I barely remember the drive home. My mind focuses on the tight grip of the steering wheel and I barely feel my limbs as I shut off the car and grab my bags before walking into the house. I give a mumbled greeting to my father as I wobble over to my room. I set my things down on the bed, turn around, and promptly kneel on the floor. As I fall onto my side, all I can think of is how nice it is to just rest for a bit on solid ground. 

Some minutes later, the voice in the back of my mind screeching to grab my cell phone out of my bag that’s fallen to the floor to call for help manages to pierce through the dizziness and numb feeling of my thoughts. I shuffle slowly, already feeling tears dripping down my cheeks as my body starts reacting to the stress of being unable to distinguish up from down. The world tilts, and my phone is in my hand. My skull feels too tight, there is a pounding pain in my sinuses, and I feel as though I'm stuffed with cotton balls. I’m distantly aware I need to move my fingers on the touch screen of the phone, but it’s all I can do is grip the device tight in my hand to assure my body that I’m not about to fall into an empty abyss and recite the mantra that the tilting sensation will pass. I lay down again and close my eyes, trying to keep breathing through the panic that’s beginning to overwhelm me.

That is the position my father finds me in some minutes later, and promptly screams for my mom and brother to come help him guide me through another episode of overwhelming vertigo. Eventually I become aware of my body again, and even manage to sit up with some assistance from my brother. Ben at least knows how to keep his wits about him even if he's freaking out over seeing one of my 'episodes.' I have to mix a dose of Head-B-Clear bath salt mix to clear my head of the congestion that aggravated my condition, as no one could read the recipe I typed out for the homemade bath product, or else they couldn't find it in the box of bath product ingredients, but that sort of thing happens a lot around here. Apparently I have the sort of mind that is difficult to predict.

It’s episodes like these that make me wonder if I’ll ever be able to have a normal career, though, or be able to live on my own. When I get a bad enough episode of vertigo thanks to Miniere's syndrome or something else that remains undiagnosed, I’m literally needing to be laid out flat, unable to focus on much besides inane media on the internet or flip through the tv channels. When I can’t even control my body or feel like I’m even ’present,’ I feel very down and hopeless for a long while afterwards. Heck, I've already run into difficulties in two different semesters because I wasn't able to even attend classes. I really don’t know much else to do except keep trying to move forward and wait for my body to become mine to control once more.